when everything you know just falls apart

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 03:48:57 GMT

I stand before you today not knowing where to begin, I'm lost in a hole of darkness and I can't get out. Ever since I can remember my life has not been great. I vagely remember my childhood, and I have no idea why, maybe it's from the achol, or maybe from the things i've smoked, but it gone. They say good things happen to those who wait, yeah I'm 16 almost 17 and havent had a damn good thing happen to me. Yeah i've had a few good days, but only one jumps out at me, and I see no need to talk about it because he left me. In all honesty I havent seen enough go to go on with life. Overshaddowed by many, ignored by thousands, I'm no longer standing. Maybe I'm just sick, and I can't see the postive things in life. Tonight I sat in the shower and turned the water all the way towards the red H and cried, for some reason I did not feel the burning of the water. I am no where near as good as I used to be at writing, I use to be able to let these words flow through my finger tips and ontop the computer screen but it's not that easy for me anymore. Lately I've thought of my cousin a lot who passed away in 2003, she deserved my life more then I do. She should be the one still here, I shouldnt I don't deserve this because I don't want it nearly as much as she did. For who a girl whos tried to kill herself over 20 times, why am I still here? Why do I have to suffer inside my head emotional pain hurt a hell of a lot more the physical. Yeah I realised the world is all about me I'm not stupid people tell me to stop thinking about myself and think about other, fuck others not once has anyone stoped to just randomly tell me anything nice. I used to tell people nice things all the time, not once have I ever gotten a compliment from a random person a true one. People are cold and I don't wanna be nice to cold people, I used to be that person you could talk to anything about and she'd listen and just listen unless you wanted something else. Now I don't care, I honestly can say I don't care about anything and thats why I cry. I miss the person I used to be still sad but I was helping people, and I had joy in my life. What the hell happend to me I had so many friends and one by one I started to cut people from my life slowly my friends were all gone. 2007 has been the worst year of my life, I used to be able to handel anything. I was amazing in school getting A's and B's and getting a C was something I rarely ever did, now I'm failing every single one of my classes and I'm about to be kicked out of my school. This isnt me and I have no idea what to do. Everyone used to love me, everyday id get atleast 6 phone calls from people who wanted to hang out, I was rarely home. Now I have a 'bestfriend' who makes fun of me every chance she gets, a sister who does not know how to mind her own BIZ and a mother who I have never seen cry, all I have left is a father who only wants me here because he feels he needs me. Why am I here? I'm no where near happy, and I have no reason to live any more. I can honestly say I give up. Working a dead end job that I hate isnt working for me, all I wanted from like was to have childern, but I could never do that, no one deserves the pain I feel, so why bring that onto a child who does not need to live with that. I really do believe I am un-loveable, and I have never met a guy who wants to deal eiwth me and I truely believe that I never will. All my fears have been lost, I'm fearless because I don't care anymore.

Time for.

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 04:46:15 GMT

Its life or death now
To all that can see
This life isnt what its made out to be
for it shows the worst impression of me
I havent fallen into place like everyone does
Instead ive fallen into something that feels like a dream
Unreal
Unmoving
Nothing.
For this I have no one to thank but myself
because my mistakes have put me forwerd and back a thousand miles from where I should be
Some say I'm mature
Some say I'm a fake
But I know what I am
I know what I need to do
But the one small thing I need to do
I don't know how.
It's trust.
It's broken and can't be fixed.
I can trust no one not even myself
Broken beyound re-pair
I sit here nothing
because its life or death now.

FUCK LJ

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 17:52:33 GMT

This thing is gay people. I'm not going to spill my heart out over the internet cause I dont care enough, I am not your entertainment and I dont want you to care so fuck this.

Friends only!

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:43:56 GMT

FRIENDS ONLY MOTHER FUCKERS!

lustlovesex

when everything you know just falls apart

Time for.

FUCK LJ

Friends only!